My series premiered last night. Radio silence from the studio and the network.
Crickets. It's like it never happened.
I have had dozens and dozens of TV series premiere before, but this was the first one that I ever produced. I somehow wanted it to feel different, but it didn't. It was just like when I was an executive. Sometimes people watched. Sometimes people didn't. Sometimes it took months (or years) before I knew that a show even had a fan base.
I have been having crazy dreams lately.
Stress related dreams.
My anxiety is back.
Anxiety of the unknown.
The mania of selling, moving (twice), remodeling and moving again, changing careers, promises of new ideas, writing, reading, developing, talking, meeting, almost selling, traveling, producing, editing, new schools, new homes, new friends, old friends, birthdays and more birthdays... the ferris wheel is slowing down and the anxiety is settling back in.
Maybe I need to embrace the possibility that there is simply no work. Development is a slow process and a lot of talking to yourself... or in my case, my long distance assistant. But I am starting to have doubt that anything will materialize.
Scripts that I have been overseeing are just not coming in that well. They are all fine. Competent. But where to sell? Who will read? Who will buy? The marketplace is too saturated. Everyone wants bigger names. Bigger packages. IP! This is the new Hollywood buzz word term. It means "Intellectual Property." Aka pre-existing titles. It can be anything: a book, movie, video game, toy, someone famous. I literally know a writer who couldn't sell a TV idea, so he's writing the book first, then he will sell the book as IP, just to sell it as a television series.
Ok. Shut up. Stop complaining. A few weeks ago I was high as a kite that everything was possible... now I am crying into my beer. Ugh! I even hate the cliches that I've chosen for this week.
I need inspiration. I tried doing a Sudoku puzzle this morning. I finished in just a few minutes... only to discover it was the "easy" one. So I moved onto the crossword puzzle. Almost finished that too, but then I remembered it's Monday. They always give you an easy puzzle on Monday. It's probably supposed to make you feel better about yourself. It didn't.
I feel like I am on a negative jag. I get a little OCD when I have too much time on my hands. I start noticing every spec of dust on the countertops. I find myself reloading the dishwasher, because no one else maximizes the slots properly. I find myself gossiping about others and getting super "judge-y" about everyone. I don't like that person. That's how unhappy people behave... not happy people.
I should be a happy person.
I am a happy person, so why am I tossing and turning at night?
Why am I so worried about work?
Why am I super judgmental right now?
I am feeling geographically marginalized today. I live on a small island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Why should anyone take me seriously as a producer?
But if I lived in LA, there is no guarantee that I wouldn't be just another producer.
Besides, I don't want to live in LA, work in an office, wear tight clothes and high heels, work too many hours, not exercise, not look at nature, and rat race around in traffic. This is the list my husband loves to remind me of when I start complaining that I should be living in LA in order to build my career as a producer.
I want to be home with my little white fluffy (co-dependent) dog, eating healthy food, enjoying the serenity of my garden outside of my home office and being able to pick up and drop off my daughter at school.
Ok then. It's settled. I need to shut up and get back to work.